The Funny Quotes Collection

[CABAL]

A place to post quotes that tickled you funny bone, whether they be from games, shows, movies, modders, or friends and family. How about I kick it off?

"Definition: Love is making a shot to the knees of a target one-hundred-twenty kilometers away using an Aratech sniper riffle with a Trilight scope... love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticle, and together achieving a singular purpose against statistically long odds."​

- HK-47, KotOR II​

"Sometimes clouds have two sides. A dark and light... and a silver lining in between. It's like a silver sandwich. So when life seems hard, take a bite out of the silver sandwich."​

- Zuko, Avatar: The Last Airbender (or The Legend of Aang for those of you in the UK)​

 

[EAS_Intrepid]

"Asphyxia kills!" - one my instructor at my EMS school

"I am not a doctor, I've had noooo medical training and I don't get involved in traffic accidents." - George Carlin

"The shockwave produced by the explosion of a nuclear weapon erases all fires within a certain radius." - from an 1980s "educational video" of the German Armed Forces. While the speakes says this sentence, you see burning 5ton truck, which hit by a nuclear schockwave, lifted up, whirled around and crashlands - fire extuinguished.

"Always see soemthing positive in everything, Sir?" - Cmdr. Ivanova
"Yes, Commander. Otherwise I might end up like you!" - Capt. Sheridan
(Babylon 5)

 

[Majestic]

"Always see soemthing positive in everything, Sir?" - Cmdr. Ivanova
"Yes, Commander. Otherwise I might end up like you!" - Capt. Sheridan
(Babylon 5)

Oh that always cracks me up, B5 is excellent for quotes, both humorous and meaningful.

Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Spock: I welcome it.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Do you? OK, then. Are you out of your Vulcan mind? Are you making a logical choice, sending Kirk away? Probably. But, the right one? You know, back home we have a saying: "If you wanna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don't leave your prized stallion in the stable."
Spock: A curious metaphor, doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: My God, man, you could at least *act* like it was a hard decision...
Spock: I intend to assist in the effort to reestablish communication with Starfleet. However, if crew morale is better served by my roaming the halls weeping, I will gladly defer to your medical expertise. Excuse me.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [as Spock leaves] Green-blooded hobgoblin...

- Spock and McCoy Star Trek XI


James T. Kirk: [on Spock] Who was that pointy-eared *******?
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I don't know, but I like him.

- Kirk and McCoy Star Trek XI


Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I may throw up on you.
James T. Kirk: I think these things are pretty safe.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Don't pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. Solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats. And wait till you're sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles, see if you're so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding. Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.
James T. Kirk: Well, I hate to break this to you, but Starfleet operates in space.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Yeah. Well, I got nowhere else to go, the ex-wife took the whole **** planet in the divorce. All I got left is my bones.


- Kirk and McCoy Star Trek XI


Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I don't need a doctor, ****it, I AM a doctor!
Flight Officer: You need to get back to your seat.
Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I had one. In the bathroom with no windows.


- McCoy Star Trek XI


Star Trek XI was a excellent for humour quotes, especially from McCoy. I always get a laugh when watching it.

 

[Adm_Z]

Recently I heard one that was really funny, but it might not be since its out of context.

"Life is hard, then it gets harder...then you die..." - Glen Beck

But I also just finished playing a game which was full of funny quotes.

"Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the appropriate chamber for this testing sequence is currently unavailable. It has been replaced with a live- fire course designed for military androids. The Enrichment Center apologizes for the inconvenience, and wishes you the best of luck." - Computer

"The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube cannot speak. In the event that the Weighted Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice." ~

"You did it! The weighted companion cube certainly brought you good luck. However, it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and must, unfortunately, be euthanized. Please escort your companion cube to the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator." ~

"Although the euthanizing process is remarkably painful, 8 out of 10 Aperture Science engineers believe that the companion cube is most likely incapable of feeling much pain." ~

"Good news. I figured out what that thing you just incinerated did. It was a Morality Core they installed after I flooded the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin to make me stop flooding the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable while I warm up the Neurotoxin Emitters." ~



And more that I don't have time to post. maybe later

 

[Jetfreak]

Just a tiny bit here. From the classic McCoy

"I'm a doctor...would you like to see just how fast I can put you in a hospital?"

PS
AR McCoy is win too ^_^

 

[Borg_Queen]

Here's one I saw some years ago:

"We are the Borg."
"So what?"
"Well, aren't you afraid of us?"
"No, we are the IRS."
"AAAAAAAHHHH!"

- Signature to an STF member.

 

[CABAL]

A couple from the awesome PC game Hostile Waters: Antaeus Rising:

"I blow things up, not clean them up."
-Borden, when placed in the game's harvester

"You really need to get out more."
"Do I look like I give a ****!?!?"
-Korolev and Patton when Patton is killed then re-spawned


And one from B5:

*while at a Centauri party demonstrating their religion, Londo Mollari passes out drunk on a table*
"He has become one with his inner self!"
"He passed out."
"That too."
-Vir Cotto (Londo's assistant) and John Sheridan (Commander of B5)

 

[ISS_Enterprise_D]

I have plenty, but I can only think of this one ATM.....


"In the old days, operations officers wore red. Command officers wore gold--"
"--and the women wore less."
*pause as we gaze at Dax's beauty*
"I think I'm going to like history."


- Sisko, Dax, and Bashir, Trials and Tribble-ations

 

[EAS_Intrepid]

I have plenty, but I can only think of this one ATM.....


"In the old days, operations officers wore red. Command officers wore gold--"
"--and the women wore less."
*pause as we gaze at Dax's beauty*
"I think I'm going to like history."


- Sisko, Dax, and Bashir, Trials and Tribble-ations

hahahha. ooooh, yeah! Reminds me, that a colleague and me were discussing female paramedics to wear skirts. Does it calm your patient down or does it have quite the opposing effect?

"You see, I find barely dressed women with guns not very entertaining. Even the reminder, that she could kill me every moment makes me shiver." - a friend.

 

[CABAL]

My roommate found this and I had to post it.

"Yo, dawg. I heard yo' and yo' dawg like yo-yos so I put yo' dawg in a yo-yo so yo' can yo-yo yo' dawg while yo' dawg yo-yos, dawg."​

- Anonymous, The Internet​

 

[Terra_Inc]

Always better than 'Please':

"Because I have asked you to, and because your loyalty to our people should be greater than your ambition, and because I have poisoned your drink."
- Ambassador Londo Mollari (B5)

 

[Jetfreak]

I stumbled across this on the SW wiki today.

Padmé: "Politics is an ancient and noble calling. Without politicians our societies would descend into anarchy and chaos."

Obi-Wan: "I thought they'd done that already. It certainly looked that way the last time I was in the Senate."

Padmé: "I'm not claiming the system is perfect. Obviously there's room for improvement, when—"

Obi-Wan: "A great deal of room, yes. Enough room to house about a dozen Republic warships, I'd say. Possibly two dozen. Maybe three."

 

[CABAL]

Arise necrothread, I command thee!

"Do you know what you're putting into your bodies? Death! Delicious, strawberry flavored, death!"​

- Walter Bishop from Fringe on Pop-Tarts.​

 

[Terra_Inc]

LOL, poptarts...

It's amazing nobody posted these yet. They're from an old cult PC game named Sacrifice, which was quite hilarious. Some quotes from the game can be found online, somewhat like the good old cake (which, as we all know, is a lie).


(The five Gods are discussing the prophecy of Mithras)
Charnel (god of death): "Kill the blasphemer!"
Persephone (goddess of life): "Charnel! Death is not the answer to everything!"
Charnel: "Yes, torture also has its merits..."

Charnel: "Whether the forest falls or not matters little to me... But, such carnage... You are an artist."

James (god of earth): "E-everyone wait! Haven't we all had enough of wars?"
Everyone else: "NO!"

"Sacrifice is good for your Soul"
- the developers

Ah, yes, those were the days...

 

[Paul]

I always liked Kefka's quotes from FF6 and Dissidia, reminds me of the Joker

"Destruction isnt supposed to make sence, its only fun when its senceless !" - Kefka in Dissidia

"Let the party Begin !!" *Causes some explosions

"Eh was that it ?, I wanna play more !!"

"Friends to the end huh, Please stop....Makes me wanna puke my guts out !!"

"You beat that little kid to a bloody pulp. It looked like you were enjoying it, how could you forget ?"

"Oww you wanna hear, in that case...Im not telling !!" Kefka
"Stop fooling around" Terra/Tina
"Oh sorry ma'am" Kefka

"You are less than Worthless !" Kefka's opening taunt to the Emperor

"Destruction without Death ?, Bo-ring !!" Kefka's taunt to X-Death

"I see a poser !" Kefka's Taunt to Squall

 

[Hellkite]

"I can be friendly when I desire to. Alas, desiring to be more intelligent does not make it so." Morrigan Dragon Age Origins

 

[EAS_Intrepid]

"I do not need information, I need intelligence!" - some unknown CENTCOM Major

 

[Paul]

Mass Effect 2

"That means, Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son of a b---- in space !" Drill Instructor on the Citadel, talking about how a shell wont stop in space

 

[thunderfoot]

"We have to cross the streams!"
"But you said earlier crossing the streams was bad!"
"I know, but it may be the only way to defeat this!"

Don't remember the characters' names but this is one of my favorite movie exchanges between Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd in Ghostbusters.

"Get to da choppa!"

"Sully, dis is my weak arm. You'd betta tawk!"

Don't remember the films but nearly everything AHnold has ever said in any film is memorable and usually funny. Da Governator FTW!

 

[Hellkite]

Dr. Egon Spengler: I have a radical idea. The door swings both ways, we could reverse the particle flow through the gate.
Dr. Peter Venkman: How?
Dr. Egon Spengler: [hesitates] We'll cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: 'Scuse me Egon? You said crossing the streams was bad!
Dr Ray Stantz: Cross the streams...
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're gonna endanger us, you're gonna endanger our client - the nice lady, who paid us in advance, before she became a dog...
Dr. Egon Spengler: Not necessarily. There's definitely a *very slim* chance we'll survive.
[pause while they consider this]
Dr. Peter Venkman: [slaps Ray] I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! LET'S DO IT!

Here you go thunderfoot

 

[thunderfoot]

Why, thank you, HK. Much appreciated!

 

[Paul]

Time for some more then

Merc's 2: World in Flames
I always play as Mattias so all these quotes are from him

"Time to Kill Mister AK !" After picking up an assault rifle
"I shall call you, Louisa. Let’s kill a whole lotta people now Louisa !" Another assault rifle
"Why can’t everything be rocket propelled ?!" Picking up a RPG

"Arr I be Serious Matey !" Mattias talking about smuggling Parrots for the Pirates

"The Mission's simple, in, boom and out" Fiona
"I yearn for a mission thats boom, boom and boom !" Mattias
"They'll be plenty of those" Fiona

"There was a Mattias Nilsson who escaped from a high security prison in Sweden...but you wouldn’t know anything about him" Agent Joyce
"Sometimes I know about him, sometimes I don’t. Depends on the county I’m in, if they have extradition to Sweden" Mattias

--------------------

"Shiny, let be bad guys !" from Serenity

 

[Rain of Blood]

Arise necro-thread, I command thee!

Today, while in a chat room...

Laura: Go kick yourself.
Phate: ...can you do that?
Wolf: Only one way to find out
*** Wolf was kicked by Wolf (I'm beating myself with my own skull!)
Laura: lol
Phate: I lol'd
*** Wolf joined #Creatures
+++ ChanServ has given op to Wolf
RainOfBlood: That doesn't seem physically possible
Phate: The answer would be yes.
Wolf: I'm glad someone got it, Rain.
Wolf:
RainOfBlood:
RainOfBlood: I need to copy paste this somewhre