Well, today (actually, yesterday now) was a day to culminate everything that's been going on for like a year. All the guilt is gone today and now I'm a new man, or so I think... After the roughest week in basically...forever...the final day of the week (yesterday) decided everything that will become the future.
This all is a little personal and I ask that you folks go easy on me about it. But someone on my site, a good friend of mine, told me today that over the last few months or so I've been getting to be quite the pain in the butt. That I was letting my power over being a server manager corrupt me. And after hearing that, I was enraged to say the least. I was hearing this from a friend. And it's because it was the truth. I had used whatever power people apparently think I have to alter my judgement of things. It's kind of what had to do with December's big rant on the old forumup site.
And that guilt, along with another form of guilt which is vastly worse than the above caused me to nearly end my life yesterday. I was spared somehow, but wounded (a half-centimeter-deep cut at my chest). It could have been worse. But I believe God spared me. He spared me so that later on yesterday, I could let go of my guilt by confessing some things I had to confess, well, one thing in particular. And that was a confession to Amy.
I had done something last year that was remarkably stupid, evil, corrupt, and whatever other words I could come up with to describe it. Last year at that time it happened, Amy and I were going steady. But there was a party, there was drinking, etc. And oh, there was a girl there who I met. I'd give you three guesses what happened next, but you'd only really need one.
I have said it again and again throughout the last twelve hours: I'm the biggest fool ever. I am no better than Bill Clinton or such and such (whoever else does the same thing). Being confused with life over the last several years has much to do with the faulty and outrageous decisions I've made. I swear occassionally, but never had I ever committed a sin such as this. Unfortunately, in this evil nation, it really does happen all the time. And I'm part of the statistic now.
I talked with Amy about it finally. There was no way of anyone knowing that it happened. But I would not let this go on beyond today.
By a trick of fate, not only was I spared my life today after I had attempted something, but I was forgiven that sin, by Amy. I don't know about God though. It's probably still in the air as far as God goes, but God does forgive. I asked for no forgiveness. I would have rather spent an eternity in hell than to ever have cheated in the first place.
The worst thing about it though, is that when I admitted what had happened, I felt better about it. I did not want to feel better about it. I wanted to feel miserable because of what I had done. But the guilt was overwhelming and it was taking a great toll.
But I do feel better now, fortunately. Both of us do. I had been forgiven for my honesty and because of the conditions of myself when that all happened. Never since then have I took a sip of anything alcohol. And never will I again.
Just like the Romeo and Juliet tragedy, this almost did end up to be the same, sort of. Dudes, tell your wives, girlfriends, etc, that you love them at any opportunity. And gals, likewise to your husbands, boyfriends, etc. Life's too short to end up making monumental mistakes like I did.
And if it has happened, then the earlier you confess it the better, even if nobody will ever know about it, the thing is, you will, and so will God. I have been nearly destroyed since that happened. And confessing it was the first turn of the tide. As Amy said, she feels no pain about it. But I will bear the pain for the both of us, and heal for the both of us. The hardest part is over. The only thing I'm upset over now is that I did it to begin with, or that I didn't confess sooner. It all happened in August last year - that long ago! That was around the time I stopped modding anything for the game Star Trek Armada, because after what I had done, I did not know what fun was anymore. I could never just go ahead and do something fun without having something stabbing at me in the back of my mind. And for the longest time I didn't really realize what it was. I thought I had forgotten it. Just the other day, I realized that I hadn't, and that's when the pain plumed beyond belief.
It's one of the reasons I haven't been posting on anything lately and simply just sleeping throughout the day. I couldn't face anything anymore. Getting up, going to sleep, it was all rough. For the last couple days I hadn't eaten anything, until just yesterday. I was either up for 48 hours this past week or sleeping for 16 hours a day.
But as it is, this story has ended and a new one begins. And it took a friend and a swift kick in the rear-end (mentally) to get me to think and reflect on everything more. Our love will not end so easily. It's just my stupid mistakes and depression that ends. The future can be changed and the past can't and that's all that anyone can hope for.
I probably should not have mentioned it, but I did. I figure everyone should know what I liar and cheater I was and never will be again. It takes a small man to admit to something, and I still don't know what it takes to fess up like this, but for sure, it took a lot.
Amy, I love you darling, and never will I do anything to hurt you, ever. I've told you this before, but you mean too much to me for me to say it once, so I gotta say it a thousand times.
I hope ou can get the photos back! I hope you find that because it wasn't too long ago the photographer will still have copies.
That is Elronds name.
