[Discuss] Star Trek Adventures of Midway - Feedback

[Majestic]

This is the thread for posting feedback on my story. This Midway is the third or forth version of the Midway story and I'm determined it to be it's last. Please post your views after reading the latest part of the story and feel free to be honest. If you feel I should quit while I am ahead let me know, I'd hate to waste my time.

The story thread can be found here: Star Trek: The Adventures of Midway - Ep101 - Turning on the Lights.

Note, that's episode one, each episode will have a new thread dedicated to it. I'll update this post when I start a new story episode so a list can be here for anyone whom needs it. I'll also at least for the moment be posting the story in parts, it will be slow going as I have also done so much and I need to go back and fill in parts I skipped due to not having the inspiration to do at the time.

Anyway enough of my ramblings I hope you enjoy the stories.

[Borg_Queen]

Yes, I enjoy the story so far. Keep up the great work.

[Majestic]

Thank you, what does everyone else think, there has been 11 other visits to the thread and no more responses. A fan-fiction writers biggest motivation is from feedback from readers.

[Amateur]

Aye, 'tis very good - I like it .

Interesting to see what happens next (ceased to exist is quite a hook, I must say), I'd assume that somehow he is assimilated and later 'rescued'?

Only one, very minor, point I have is that you repeat 'John' many times. Now, I've read quite a few books - some of them I would class as brilliant - that have done this (some of Asimov's work is similar, and certain translations of Plato), but at the same time every time I read it I replace it with the pronoun 'he'. This is most notable when he's the object of a continuing sentence such as 'John was shaken out of his reverie...John reported over the klaxons' where his is the only male anthroponym

But, it's your style and if that is how you feel comfortable writing then by all means please continue; the narrative is the most important part, after all.

[Majestic]

Originally Posted by Amateur

Aye, 'tis very good - I like it .

Interesting to see what happens next (ceased to exist is quite a hook, I must say), I'd assume that somehow he is assimilated and later 'rescued'?

Only one, very minor, point I have is that you repeat 'John' many times. Now, I've read quite a few books - some of them I would class as brilliant - that have done this (some of Asimov's work is similar, and certain translations of Plato), but at the same time every time I read it I replace it with the pronoun 'he'. This is most notable when he's the object of a continuing sentence such as 'John was shaken out of his reverie...John reported over the klaxons' where his is the only male anthroponym

But, it's your style and if that is how you feel comfortable writing then by all means please continue; the narrative is the most important part, after all.

Thanks, you're right I do think I use John a few too many times. I may have to look into replacing it with him and he a little. Considering that whole piece is just from John's perspective it does make sense now you mention it.

This is the reason I am posting it online in parts, as others pick things up differently to me and can help me make it a better read. I do when I complete the episode will make it into a PDF and downloadable, that will be the final version this is all very much a draft. Obviously by the end I'll have added and in some cases remove parts depending on their relevance to the characters and story.

Yes John is assimilated. He is rather old by the time of Midway, but thanks to the Borg he isn't physically as old as he would've been if the Borg had never got their hands on him. I'll be exploring in this episode Majest's Borg experience as well as a little of Yvonne's as well. Majest copes with it a lot better than Yvonne, due to his age, experience and character.

I better not yap too much more on that, in the risk of giving to much away.

[Amateur]

Originally Posted by Majestic

I better not yap too much more on that, in the risk of giving to much away.

All tales are built by evolution and driven by natural selection on the authors part as it stands it's very good, but chances are a few weeks/months down the line you'll come back and tweak it to fit with the later additions.

Sorry if my critique seemed a little like a rant - looking back, I probably could have structured it better.

[Majestic]

Originally Posted by Amateur

All tales are built by evolution and driven by natural selection on the authors part as it stands it's very good, but chances are a few weeks/months down the line you'll come back and tweak it to fit with the later additions.

Thank you, I am glad you like it. I'll have to see about posting the second part then. I am actually still setting up the characters and in fact out of all of them only three have met, Syf has met Majest (already knows him however) and Vannaka and Majest have met.

Originally Posted by Amateur

Sorry if my critique seemed a little like a rant - looking back, I probably could have structured it better.

I didn't see any problems with it personally. At least if there was I didn't pick up on it you did exactly what I was hoping, someone giving me a honest and open opinion on the piece,

[Terra_Inc]

Sorry, haven't had the time to read it yet, will do it tomorrow. Sounds very promising, though.

[Majestic]

Originally Posted by Terra_Inc

Sorry, haven't had the time to read it yet, will do it tomorrow. Sounds very promising, though.

That's fine mate, I am just eager to hear what the readers think.

[Majestic]

The second post is up now.

[Borg_Queen]

I like the story, it's building up nicely.

Oh, and a small comment on this:

Captain Maxwell Syf was sitting at one of the windows on the promenade overlooking the construction of a Sovereign class vessel. The USS Courage if he wasn’t mistaken, soon to be launched in a couple of months. Max vaguely knew her new Captain, Rachel Krystad, a young but promising Commander whom was only just recently promoted after the destruction of her ship and the death of her Captain.

I know I mentioned this to you then you showed me some preview a few months ago, though I say it again; It's nice to see my character and ship from Crossovers here.

[Hellkite]

Good start

[Majestic]

Originally Posted by Borg_Queen

I know I mentioned this to you then you showed me some preview a few months ago, though I say it again; It's nice to see my character and ship from Crossovers here.

I thought it would be a nice touch. I might mention the Courage and her Captain in the first episode of season two. Perhaps even integrate her into the episode as a main ship. I won't say much on that episode as I don't want to spoil it for people whom haven't read the RPG. As a lot of ideas introduced by you guys and girls I am planning on using in the fan fiction albeit a little differently, plus the stuff Syf and I did in out little mini-episode.

I am glad you're still liking it.

[Terra_Inc]

I've found the time to read the first 2 chapters and I must say that it's a very fine piece of writing. I noted the reference to your recent WIP. LOL!
Anyway, good work. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter!

[Majestic]

Thank you, lately I've been filling in the recent gaps that I originally missed due to little to no inspiration. I am hoping soon I can get on with writing the story after I have completed this and then I can post a little more for readers here.